There is a court case, and I'm going to publish this after the estimated end, where a home heath aid is accused of stealing money from an old person. I don't know the details except, this experience here, was a reason I could not serve on the jury.
I've served on a federal grand jury for 18 months. That was informative. And there was no way I could have gotten out of that. And I served on a petite jury for a case involving a Latino guy whacking a bunch of other Latino guys with a machete. That was worse. It was in Spanish and English, and I would not wish that kind of experience on anyone. It was hella boring. I got removed from the jury pool once because I knew too much about a factor in the trial.
So with that experience I was hoping there was something that would help me out of this jury pool. The judge asked 12 questions and we were to write down the number if the answer to the question was yes. Did I know the lawyers or the defendant or the judge? No. Did I have a family member who was in jail? Yes. There are a lot of people on my dad's side with problems. Then the judge mentioned the substance of the case and asked if any member of my family experienced something similar.
Later, because there were 40 people in the pool, and those of us with higher numbers were allowed to go out for 45 minutes, I was called up to the bench. The judge asked me about the questions I answered yes to. The first one was no biggie and he dismissed that. The second one... I mentioned what happened with Carol and Sonya. I mentioned this blog. I mentioned the stress trying to deal with it had on our marriage. When he restated what I said he made Sonya the focus, and I countered him, and pointed out my mother in law was the victim and this led to her early death. So to the question did I think I could be impartial, the answer was no. And thus, I got out of jury duty.
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Monday, February 10, 2020
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Oh look what I found under the tree, forgiveness
I was on my way to deal with a problem in another city, when it dawned on me that I believe I have forgiven Sonya.
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Love the sinner, hate the sin. What she did was horrible. But she herself is deserving of forgiveness. We can blame it on her mental health. We can blame it on her season of life. She can be redeemed.
So what does that mean now? Well this site is not going away. As I said, forgiveness isn't forgetting. It this site can help someone else who may be in the same boat, then hopefully they too can see the warning signs and do what needs to be done before they are forced to let their relative become a ward of the state or become conservator. Both are bad. There are still other relatives who could be abused by Sonya, pretending this never happened could come to harm them.
It means I'm not going to seek harm to Sonya. I've stopped asking Mike, her brother, to seek criminal charges against her. Years back I kept hounding him, and bugging him to file charges. He didn't then because he was busy trying to care for his mom. Now there is no interest and we all want to move on with our lives.
So we will move forward. Lawyers are f*cking expensive, but they provide a protective buffer for our family against any future abuse or claims by Sonya so we can move forward without thinking about her. Also Mike is big on the forgetting so forgiveness seems to be a part of it.
Where's Sonya? Last we heard, homeless, in a vehicle with no money in Oregon or Washington State. She may have made it back to California. She had requested the phone number of a relative who lived in Oregon and Mike, without thinking, gave her the number. When he told me, I told him he should give the relative a heads up. So he called the relative, left a message, a very vague message that Sonya was experiencing some trouble but not saying what. Sigh.
Anyway, on ward and forward.
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Love the sinner, hate the sin. What she did was horrible. But she herself is deserving of forgiveness. We can blame it on her mental health. We can blame it on her season of life. She can be redeemed.
So what does that mean now? Well this site is not going away. As I said, forgiveness isn't forgetting. It this site can help someone else who may be in the same boat, then hopefully they too can see the warning signs and do what needs to be done before they are forced to let their relative become a ward of the state or become conservator. Both are bad. There are still other relatives who could be abused by Sonya, pretending this never happened could come to harm them.
It means I'm not going to seek harm to Sonya. I've stopped asking Mike, her brother, to seek criminal charges against her. Years back I kept hounding him, and bugging him to file charges. He didn't then because he was busy trying to care for his mom. Now there is no interest and we all want to move on with our lives.
So we will move forward. Lawyers are f*cking expensive, but they provide a protective buffer for our family against any future abuse or claims by Sonya so we can move forward without thinking about her. Also Mike is big on the forgetting so forgiveness seems to be a part of it.
Where's Sonya? Last we heard, homeless, in a vehicle with no money in Oregon or Washington State. She may have made it back to California. She had requested the phone number of a relative who lived in Oregon and Mike, without thinking, gave her the number. When he told me, I told him he should give the relative a heads up. So he called the relative, left a message, a very vague message that Sonya was experiencing some trouble but not saying what. Sigh.
Anyway, on ward and forward.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
The world ending option- making your parent a ward of the state
I'm going to take a break from proving what Sonya did was a horrible thing and give some advice.
The option of making your elderly parent a ward of the state is always an option, an option of last resort.
It was first presented when Adult Protective Services (APS) were asking Mike, Carol's son, my husband, to get more involved. Mike was annoyed with APS because, the way he saw it, this government agency was trying to drive a wedge between him and his sister. He didn't trust them. So their suggestion that they become the conservator of Carol was one way for Mike to step away and let the state take over. That would have been easier. That would have saved us lots of money in legal fees and bonds, stupid $1,000 and $1,500 a year, non-refunded bonds. But if this route was taken, the state would have charged Sonya (yay) for what she did but Mike would not have any input in her care and whatever assets she still had would have been seized by the state. Our concern was that APS seemed more interested in prosecuting Sonya (a good thing) than helping Carol get out of the situation she was in. So we were concerned that Carol's care would fall through the cracks, and that she would remain in the poor living conditions of Kirkwood Villa with no change.
Thankfully, Mike did not need to travel to San Jose to appear before a judge to become the conservator of his mother's person and estate. He was on a conference call sort of thing. Because of the nature of the call Mike could hear other cases. There was another case before his where the family came before the judge to explain they could no longer care for an adult relative, and wanted the state to take over. So we were very aware that if it became too much or too hard, this was an option. And it did get too hard, it damaged our marriage (has since been repaired) and it put our adoption plans on hold (we now have an adopted son), but we did not pull that trigger. There was a moment, when Carol was feeling horribly low and she suggested that Mike give up on her and let the state take over. We knew she was speaking from a place of depression. Kirkwood was just a place to watch TV and wait for the end.
Mike made many mistakes in Carol's care, mainly due to the overly complicated nature of conservatorships and being on the other side of the country... most of it being on the other side of the country. We do not regret not making Carol a ward of California. Once we got her on the east coast it got easier. There were still health crises but it was comparatively easier in Maryland compared to when these things happened in California.
The state will take whatever assets are in the person's estate and there is no inheritance for the remaining family members. Now whether those assets will be used to better the situation of the depends. In Carol's case the cost of her care was more than what she was getting from her remaining investments that Sonya didn't steal, and her pension. If she didn't die, she was going to run out of money to cover the cost of her care by this summer, and we were going to have to figure out how to cover the costs. So it is hard to imagine that the state would put her in a better facility.
The state would have also put Sonya in prison if Carol became their ward. At the time, we didn't know, what we now know, and Mike is unreasonably loyal. This whole blog is a reminder of why he should press charges against his sister. But at the time we thought she had custody of her minor children and we were concerned about what would happen with them if she was put away. The kids were already traumatized by the separation of their parents, we didn't want to add to the sorrow. Now one kid is going to college and I think the other would be better off with her biological father.
Useful Links:
Having an Adult Made Ward of the State- ExpertLaw.com
Guardianship of Incapacitated or Disabled Persons- FindLaw.com
How to Make an Adult a Ward of the State- LegalBeagle.com
The option of making your elderly parent a ward of the state is always an option, an option of last resort.
It was first presented when Adult Protective Services (APS) were asking Mike, Carol's son, my husband, to get more involved. Mike was annoyed with APS because, the way he saw it, this government agency was trying to drive a wedge between him and his sister. He didn't trust them. So their suggestion that they become the conservator of Carol was one way for Mike to step away and let the state take over. That would have been easier. That would have saved us lots of money in legal fees and bonds, stupid $1,000 and $1,500 a year, non-refunded bonds. But if this route was taken, the state would have charged Sonya (yay) for what she did but Mike would not have any input in her care and whatever assets she still had would have been seized by the state. Our concern was that APS seemed more interested in prosecuting Sonya (a good thing) than helping Carol get out of the situation she was in. So we were concerned that Carol's care would fall through the cracks, and that she would remain in the poor living conditions of Kirkwood Villa with no change.
Thankfully, Mike did not need to travel to San Jose to appear before a judge to become the conservator of his mother's person and estate. He was on a conference call sort of thing. Because of the nature of the call Mike could hear other cases. There was another case before his where the family came before the judge to explain they could no longer care for an adult relative, and wanted the state to take over. So we were very aware that if it became too much or too hard, this was an option. And it did get too hard, it damaged our marriage (has since been repaired) and it put our adoption plans on hold (we now have an adopted son), but we did not pull that trigger. There was a moment, when Carol was feeling horribly low and she suggested that Mike give up on her and let the state take over. We knew she was speaking from a place of depression. Kirkwood was just a place to watch TV and wait for the end.
Mike made many mistakes in Carol's care, mainly due to the overly complicated nature of conservatorships and being on the other side of the country... most of it being on the other side of the country. We do not regret not making Carol a ward of California. Once we got her on the east coast it got easier. There were still health crises but it was comparatively easier in Maryland compared to when these things happened in California.
The state will take whatever assets are in the person's estate and there is no inheritance for the remaining family members. Now whether those assets will be used to better the situation of the depends. In Carol's case the cost of her care was more than what she was getting from her remaining investments that Sonya didn't steal, and her pension. If she didn't die, she was going to run out of money to cover the cost of her care by this summer, and we were going to have to figure out how to cover the costs. So it is hard to imagine that the state would put her in a better facility.
The state would have also put Sonya in prison if Carol became their ward. At the time, we didn't know, what we now know, and Mike is unreasonably loyal. This whole blog is a reminder of why he should press charges against his sister. But at the time we thought she had custody of her minor children and we were concerned about what would happen with them if she was put away. The kids were already traumatized by the separation of their parents, we didn't want to add to the sorrow. Now one kid is going to college and I think the other would be better off with her biological father.
Useful Links:
Having an Adult Made Ward of the State- ExpertLaw.com
Guardianship of Incapacitated or Disabled Persons- FindLaw.com
How to Make an Adult a Ward of the State- LegalBeagle.com
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Seeking help from my elders
My mother is one of 1/2 a dozen kids my grandparents had.
Grandpa died early, before I was born.
Grandma lived into her 90s.
My grandparents were black Carolina sharecroppers.
My mother in law (MIL) who we are trying to help and care for is none of these, a white woman with a teacher's pension, and two dead husbands.
Grandma's daughters got the hell away from her because Grandma was a difficult woman. Her sons, after doing the war (Vietnam) came back to the area and helped watch over her after her second husband died. Growing up I knew Uncle G and Uncle W handled her day to day affairs and took care of their mother, my grandmother. For 20 years she lived in subsidized senior housing and then after a fall and other health problems went into rehab and died.
Telling Uncle G of our situation and asking how he cared for "Mother" it seems they kept it simple. He had no idea if one of the other kids had a Power of Attorney. He assumed Aunt J had it, no when I called her to confirm what Uncle G said. He handled "Mother's" bills from an account that was in his name only and it helped that grandma had no money as a poor retired sharecropper. He and his brother got her to the doctor and checked in on her. Despite grandma being a difficult person who I don't think was all there..... but then I am probably being classist and an educated snob against her, getting things done was a matter of just getting her to agree. How did she get out of the apartment and into rehab? Uncle G claims grandma was talked into it and one of the aunts handled the paperwork. I just have to figure out which aunt because Aunt J says she didn't have POA or was that involved, but then again Aunt J has a selective memory. I'm discovering all the girls have "selective memories" even my mother.
If I were to use my Uncle's way of care as a model my DH would have to believe his mother could do more. Yes there is plenty she can't do with her various conditions but she can technically still sign things. However we have the problem of her being on the other side of the country. We might have to talk about bringing her here.
Grandpa died early, before I was born.
Grandma lived into her 90s.
My grandparents were black Carolina sharecroppers.
My mother in law (MIL) who we are trying to help and care for is none of these, a white woman with a teacher's pension, and two dead husbands.
Grandma's daughters got the hell away from her because Grandma was a difficult woman. Her sons, after doing the war (Vietnam) came back to the area and helped watch over her after her second husband died. Growing up I knew Uncle G and Uncle W handled her day to day affairs and took care of their mother, my grandmother. For 20 years she lived in subsidized senior housing and then after a fall and other health problems went into rehab and died.
Telling Uncle G of our situation and asking how he cared for "Mother" it seems they kept it simple. He had no idea if one of the other kids had a Power of Attorney. He assumed Aunt J had it, no when I called her to confirm what Uncle G said. He handled "Mother's" bills from an account that was in his name only and it helped that grandma had no money as a poor retired sharecropper. He and his brother got her to the doctor and checked in on her. Despite grandma being a difficult person who I don't think was all there..... but then I am probably being classist and an educated snob against her, getting things done was a matter of just getting her to agree. How did she get out of the apartment and into rehab? Uncle G claims grandma was talked into it and one of the aunts handled the paperwork. I just have to figure out which aunt because Aunt J says she didn't have POA or was that involved, but then again Aunt J has a selective memory. I'm discovering all the girls have "selective memories" even my mother.
If I were to use my Uncle's way of care as a model my DH would have to believe his mother could do more. Yes there is plenty she can't do with her various conditions but she can technically still sign things. However we have the problem of her being on the other side of the country. We might have to talk about bringing her here.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Spend it down & mental support
I attended church with DH this past weekend, we belong to two different denominations, so once a month I attend his church. I'd been pressuring him to talk to an elder or the pastor, particularly one elder who is professionally knowledgeable. But, for obvious reasons he's put it on the backburner, and so I took it upon myself to talk to two deacons who also happened to be friends, and tell them what is going on.
Prior to service, friend deacon, let's call him D1/. Deacon#1, was supposed to be greeting. My DH was teaching Sunday School and so left me in the foyer with D1 and coffee/tea. D1 is a bachelor with parents in their 80s and so he also talked about the challenges to attempting to look out for his independent living parents. As people milled through, heading either to snag a seat in the sanctuary or arrive late to Sunday School, Deacon #2 (D2) arrived and joined us. D2 is also a bachelor but his parents are deceased and he had to take over and care for his father before he passed.
D2 told me that with his father the nursing home his father was supposed to go to from the hospital approached him regarding a long-term financial plan. We sorta, kinda have a place in mind for Mom, but since DH hasn't signed or committed to anything, this was the first of us hearing such a thing. Our concern was that there wasn't enough money left for years of care (and we would like her to live as long as possible). D2 told us with his father the nursing home talked about a spend down program. The idea is that you spend down all the money that is left, down to the last $1,000 and then Medicare takes over.
I'll have to research this, but it gave me a sense of relief.
Yes, Mom won't have anything left to pass on to her kids or grandkids. But that's okay, the main point is that she will be cared for and that's all we care about.
After service, I kept an eye out for an elder, not the financially savvy one, but the one DH loves best. DH joined D1 & D2 in chatting as I scolded crazy kids who were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. We talked some more about our situation with Mom and D1 & D2 provided more advice and emotional support. When I saw that the elder I was looking for disengage from another post-service conversation and walk over to his wife, I signaled to DH that he should go to that elder. DH was able to make an appointment for later this month to talk to the elder.
My beloved DH tends to keep things close to the vest, not saying anything till it is complete or he has all the information, which could be never. So without prodding, he probably would not let on to anyone at his church that anything was going wrong. Which is absurd, because he knows how the church supports its members who are going through challenging things, with assistance, counseling, and sometimes money from the Deacon's Fund. It was good just to talk to D1 & D2, they were very helpful and supportive and I think we are in a better place because of them.
Prior to service, friend deacon, let's call him D1/. Deacon#1, was supposed to be greeting. My DH was teaching Sunday School and so left me in the foyer with D1 and coffee/tea. D1 is a bachelor with parents in their 80s and so he also talked about the challenges to attempting to look out for his independent living parents. As people milled through, heading either to snag a seat in the sanctuary or arrive late to Sunday School, Deacon #2 (D2) arrived and joined us. D2 is also a bachelor but his parents are deceased and he had to take over and care for his father before he passed.
D2 told me that with his father the nursing home his father was supposed to go to from the hospital approached him regarding a long-term financial plan. We sorta, kinda have a place in mind for Mom, but since DH hasn't signed or committed to anything, this was the first of us hearing such a thing. Our concern was that there wasn't enough money left for years of care (and we would like her to live as long as possible). D2 told us with his father the nursing home talked about a spend down program. The idea is that you spend down all the money that is left, down to the last $1,000 and then Medicare takes over.
I'll have to research this, but it gave me a sense of relief.
Yes, Mom won't have anything left to pass on to her kids or grandkids. But that's okay, the main point is that she will be cared for and that's all we care about.
After service, I kept an eye out for an elder, not the financially savvy one, but the one DH loves best. DH joined D1 & D2 in chatting as I scolded crazy kids who were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. We talked some more about our situation with Mom and D1 & D2 provided more advice and emotional support. When I saw that the elder I was looking for disengage from another post-service conversation and walk over to his wife, I signaled to DH that he should go to that elder. DH was able to make an appointment for later this month to talk to the elder.
My beloved DH tends to keep things close to the vest, not saying anything till it is complete or he has all the information, which could be never. So without prodding, he probably would not let on to anyone at his church that anything was going wrong. Which is absurd, because he knows how the church supports its members who are going through challenging things, with assistance, counseling, and sometimes money from the Deacon's Fund. It was good just to talk to D1 & D2, they were very helpful and supportive and I think we are in a better place because of them.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Someone Needs to Write an Eldercare Advice Book for Disfunctional Families
When I started looking for how to help DH for dealing with his mother's finances I looked on line searching for how to locate an elderly parent's accounts and assets, I found nothing helpful for us. The advice given on the eldercare, retirement, and authoritative sites was to talk to the elderly parent and make a plan with them.
That's great if you have one of those Hallmark Card families where everyone is open and honest and not suffering from dementia. It is even better if you 're not dealing with step-parents who don't trust you or even like you and think it's none of your damned business. It is horrible to say, but thankfully that step-parent is dead. But that step-parent is the reason why we could have never ever had a nice little heart to heart sit down to "make a plan" regarding their finances and the future of my mother in law's care. It was never going to happen. My mother in law (MIL) has since had a stroke since her 2nd husband's death and among her other health problems her memory is not so great, so even approaching MIL about her finances since the death of hubby #2 (aka the step-parent) is a no go, 'cause she doesn't remember jack.
So MIL can't remember what accounts she has or had, or what accounts she and her 2nd husband had... I should note 2nd husband was a paranoid nut, so he probably hid money somewhere. So now what? I starting looking at divorce websites. Now Google probably thinks I want to leave my husband, I don't. But I thought, okay who would be looking for hidden assets? Divorced/divorcing women. I learned something, those sites saying they can find accounts may not be all that they are cracked up to be. It will cost some real money to locate assets and I don't think MIL or 2nd husband had that much hidden away.
All this has me worried about taking care of an aunt who is the same age as MIL. Auntie is relatively healthy, active and fiercely independent. I have dropped hints that she should have a plan for when it is time for me to care for her. I've gotten the 'none of your damned business' vibe from her. She is of the belief that one day she'll be active and running around and then the next day dead, no nursing home, just in her condo with stairs and then in the ground dead. She's fine with being dead, she's not too keen on being frail and having to have long term care.
I am still looking for advice for dealing with our situation for something that looks like our family.
That's great if you have one of those Hallmark Card families where everyone is open and honest and not suffering from dementia. It is even better if you 're not dealing with step-parents who don't trust you or even like you and think it's none of your damned business. It is horrible to say, but thankfully that step-parent is dead. But that step-parent is the reason why we could have never ever had a nice little heart to heart sit down to "make a plan" regarding their finances and the future of my mother in law's care. It was never going to happen. My mother in law (MIL) has since had a stroke since her 2nd husband's death and among her other health problems her memory is not so great, so even approaching MIL about her finances since the death of hubby #2 (aka the step-parent) is a no go, 'cause she doesn't remember jack.
So MIL can't remember what accounts she has or had, or what accounts she and her 2nd husband had... I should note 2nd husband was a paranoid nut, so he probably hid money somewhere. So now what? I starting looking at divorce websites. Now Google probably thinks I want to leave my husband, I don't. But I thought, okay who would be looking for hidden assets? Divorced/divorcing women. I learned something, those sites saying they can find accounts may not be all that they are cracked up to be. It will cost some real money to locate assets and I don't think MIL or 2nd husband had that much hidden away.
All this has me worried about taking care of an aunt who is the same age as MIL. Auntie is relatively healthy, active and fiercely independent. I have dropped hints that she should have a plan for when it is time for me to care for her. I've gotten the 'none of your damned business' vibe from her. She is of the belief that one day she'll be active and running around and then the next day dead, no nursing home, just in her condo with stairs and then in the ground dead. She's fine with being dead, she's not too keen on being frail and having to have long term care.
I am still looking for advice for dealing with our situation for something that looks like our family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)